Twilight the movie, as retold in thrilling
Rules? There are no rules. Except NO HOTLINKING. LOG IN TO PHOTOBUCKET OR MAKE AN ACCOUNT HERE. Just do that, and we're on excellent terms. ;D
(btw, you might see a few comment by lily_evanstar throughout the picspam, who hates this series but saw the movie with me anyway, so I included some of her comments from watching it in the theater with me because she is AWEsome and lulzy. ♥ )
And so it begiiiiiins...
So there's some voiceover here about death, dying, emo teenage crap, and altruism. Judging by KStew's all-too-familiar dulcet monotones we're supposed to assume it's Bella talking, but we all really know that it's Bambi's mama. R.I.P., sweet doe. *sniff*
Which brings us tooo...
Bella Ella Ella Eh Eh Eh.
sophie_lizzie: JUST SO YOU REMEMBER, ANNA, LET ME MENTION, YET AGAIN, THAT I MET KSTEW IN REAL LIFE AND IT WAS AWESOME.
lily_evanstar: Mmmhmm. You talk too much during movies. Shut up. I mean it.
sophie_lizzie: For noooow...
lily_evanstar: *wears her "heaven help me" face*
Phil: OMG, I HAVE A LINE IN THE MOVIE. IN ALL FOUR BOOKS I NEVER, EVER TALK. EVER. BUT NOW I DO. AND MY MOM IS WATCHING. HI MOM! ANYWAY. YOU BITCHES ARE SLOWER THAN CHRISTMAS, HURRY UP.
Bella: YOU'RE INTERRUPTING MY EMO PONDERINGS. :'(
Despite the pretty opening title sequence, I suddenly become aware that we're in for a very lulzy ride.
CHARLIE. ♥ (Let's just get it out, right now, that Charlie is the best played character in this movie. ADMIT IT. KStew, I love ya, but your monotone is not helping matters. Neither, Rob, is your strange, lilting, sometimes-sexy-oftentimes-wonky "American" accent throughout this movie. Oh wait, Rob's not onscreen yet.) *whistles*
After a montage of driving through Forks's "folksy" and "down home" streets, we arrive at Bella's papa's house, and judging by the look on her face, she's none too pleased to be back here.
Bella: This hellhole never changes.
Charlie: What'd you say?
Bella: Umm... Never talk to strangers?
Charlie: THAT'S MY GIRL.
We the viewers here oh-so-expertly pick up on the feeling that nothing in this room has been altered for years, down to 4-year-old Bella's
(What?... Oh, you're asking why I put a heart there? Oh I think you know why. YOU SHIP THEM, I KNOW YOU DO.)
Anyways, Bella is interrupted mid-resigning herself to her self-imposed personal claustrophobic hell when someone arrives, and who should it beeeee, but...
Camera: HE'S GOING TO BE IMPORTANT LATER IN THIS SERIES, OKAY? *stays on him for an absurdly long time*
Jacob: Hi Bellaaaaaaaaaaaa... *drools*
Bella: Wow, this guy's a loser.
Billy "The Awesome One" Black: Aww, Bella! I see you've inherited your father's bitch!face.
Charlie: IT'S TOO MANLY TO BE A BITCH FACE YOU BITCH.
Billy: DID YOU JUST CALL ME A BITCH? WELL IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE.
So then Charlie busts out some moves and Billy proves himself Lord of the Wheelchair Dance, and Bella and Jacob have some sort of fail convo about feelings and being the new kid in town and I can't remember what else. Oh, and Bella finds out the truck is hers now. Yayz.
Jacob: Sooo, you have to double pump the clutch when you shift, but other than that you're good!
sophie_lizzie: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.
Bella: Yeah, that's what she said.
Jacob: What does "that's what she said" mean?
Bella: What, you don't know? First of all, you can Google it dumbass. Second of all, you'd better lose some of that naivete and fast if you want to keep up with my kind of hormones for the next three books after this.
Jacob: Yeah, well, whatev. I'll probably be sleeping with your half-vampire daughter within the next decade.
Bella: Um, excuse me?
Jacob: Oh, nothing.
Also, at some point during this scene, the camera of whoever was filming this in the theater effed up majorly. Behold, ARCTIC CHARLIE:
Well, I laughed.
OMG, FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL. MY PALMS ARE SWEATING. *cough* Anyway.
Okay, so let's backtrack a bit. I was under the impression, Taylor Lautner being uber-friendly and ridiculous in interviews/person/whatev, that his performance as Jacob would be lulzy and diva-esque. Sadly, Lautner played Jacob pretty well, which, in my book, equals bad, a.k.a. not lulzy. But I did get the diva-boy performance I wanted in the movie from someone. By whom, you ask? WHY, ERIC OF COURSE, WHO SHINES IN ALL HIS GLORY IN THE LAST CAP UP THERE. HE'S INSANE AND ANNOYING AND BELLA HATES HIM AND EVERYONE ELSE DOES TOO, BUT I LOVE IT. ERIC FTW.
LMAO, IT TOTES LOOKS LIKE THAT GIRL IN THE FIRST CAP IS DANCING AND BELLA IS SHIELDING HERSELF FROM HER LORD-OF-THE-DANCE WAYS.
Mike: Oh hai there pretty baby! You're from...... Texas?
Mike: Right, right! And now I shall call you Arizona in order to remember that juicy fact. You're lookin' fiiiine. *cheeky wink*
Bella: Um, ok.
Jessica: MIKE'S MINE BITCH.
Bella: Girl, you can have him.
Jessica: Oh... hi darlin'! Nice to meet you! What brings you to Forks?
Bella: *makes some smartass comment on how Arizona kicked her out
Jessica: .... I don't get it.
Mike: Haha! Hoho! Jolly Good! I..... don't get it either, but I'm trying not to make you feel bad.
Bella: *sigh* Figures.
(Also, I thought this guy was too cute to play Mike Newton. Sometimes I enjoyed his scenes more than Edward's. Is that wrong, or very, very right? IDK. Let us press on.)
So now it's quite clear that Bella doesn't really give a crap about any of these people, since they either don't sparkle, act like 8th graders or are what I like to call "glorified teenagers." You know. The ones that only exist in movies, and not in actual high school. The super nice and welcoming ones. So we shall move on:
OMG, WHO ARE THEEEEEESE PRETTY PEOPLE? < /sarcasm>
So Jessica gives Bells the lowdown on these peeps, which is basically that Rosalie and Emmett are incestuous bitches, Alice is batshit insane (ALICE FANS, HOLLA ♥), and Jasper's in a perpetual state of constipation. Which we already knew, of course.
Oh hey, look, the movie's actually starting now:
OH HAI THERE. Okay, let's just get this out of the way right now. To prevent further ramblings and detours down the line, how about all of you get your Edward/Rob-induced squeeing out right now. Here we go:
See? Now your endocrine system can relax and stop producing so much estrogen. (Or, you know, testosterone, since I'm aware that Eddie-boy might make you guys feel that way too.)
Also, did anyone else notice that the way the music crescendoed during this scene was totally set up for people to applause in the theater for Edward's entrance? I'm not the only one, am I? Anyways, not a soul, myself included, applauded in my theater. Did anyone in yours, bbs?
Bella: Who's that spry young fellow?
Jessica: Oh, that's Edward. He's a total prick and all of us agree that he's either impotent or has some unspeakable sexual fetish but we don't care because we'd still hit that shit. Many times over. And then some.
Bella: Um, wow. Okay.
Edward: *internally laughing his arse off*
And so, Bella and Edward share their very first magical encounter of
Book!Bella: My lab partner is Edward? OMG NO, I'M SO INSECURE AND UNWORTHY.
Movie!Bella: My lab partner is Edward? OH HALE YES. *Auditions for a L'Oreal hair commercial on the way to her table*
Edward: OH my GOD. *hackweeze*
DO YOU SEE THAT MAN IN THE FIRST CAP? I'M 79% SURE I KNOW THIS MAN IN REAL LIFE. HE'S A PIANO TEACHER AT THE SCHOOL WHERE I'VE BEEN TAKING PIANO LESSONS FOR ALMOST A DECADE, AND HE ALWAYS EATS THESE WEIRD UBER-HEALTHY MEALS THAT SMELL LIKE TOMATOES NO MATTER WHAT THEY ARE.
Also, as specified in the above cap, i c what u did thar, you lameass set directors you.
Bella: Dude, what's wrong? Do I stink?
Edward: Er, um... yes, that's it. You reek. I really don't see how you live with yourself. Yes. Hmm.
Bella: O RLY? Why don't you go wax your eyebrows and take care of that wonk!eye?
Edward: ALRIGHT, BUT YOU HAVE TO TAKE A SHOWER FIRST.
Bella: HDU. I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I USE STRAWBERRY SHAMPOO EVERY MORNING.
Edward: SHAMPOO INDEED.
Bella: Awkward. I can't look at the board because despite the fact we're studying planaria, all it looks like to me is a penis. And I can't look at you for obvious reasons, mainly, THAT YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.
Edward: WELL I NEVER - FINE, I'M OUTTA HERE.
*trufact: if you stare at that last cap long enough up there, you will eventually start laughing so hard that you'll need medical assistance to stop. JUST LOOK AT THOSE PRECIOUS, PRECIOUS WINGS.*
I DID THE BEST COLORING ON THIS ONE, Y/Y? Y/Y.
Edward: I CAN'T BE IN THAT CLASS ANYMORE MRS. COPE.
Mrs. Cope: Umm, why?
Edward: Because, um, I, uh, hmm... I can't deal with that drawing of a penis they had on the board. Yes, that's it.
Mrs. Cope: ... Hon, first of all, that was planaria. A young, obviously sexually frustrated man like you is going to be seeing phallic symbols everywhere for a very long time, sry2say. Also, if you still have a problem dealing with the fact of life that is boys' and girls' parts, I really can't help you there.
*Bella walks in*
Edward: WELL, FOR SOMEONE NAMED MRS. COPE YOU SURE CAN'T COPE.
Mrs. Cope: Well now it's obviously clear that you meant to go to Forks Junior High School. It's just a few blocks away sweetheart.
Edward: WHATEVER, I GOTTA GO LISTEN TO LINKIN PARK AND CRY NOW. GOOD DAY, MA'AM. *huffs off*
Bella: Um, oooooookay.
So now, of course, Bella wears a braaaaaaaaaaave face, but she's hurt insiiiiiiiiiiiide. Also, if those aren't already the lyrics to some emo song out there, they totally should be so that I can listen and lmao. Srsly.
So here we're, yet again, reminded of how very "folksy" Forks is. Hey, that's got a ring to it. Folksy Forks. Folksy Forks. Folksy Forks. Wow, due to excessive repetition. that phrase has lost all meaning to me now.
Expendable Character Man Whose Name I Don't Remember: Oh hai Bella. I'm an expendable character who is totally going to get killed later just to further the plot. Remember me?
Bella: Ummmmmmm..... no.
Charlie: Whatev, let's eat.
sophie_lizzie: WHOA WHOA WHOA, WAIT A SECOND. Did you see how much food they have on their plates?
lily_evanstar: WHAT IS GOING ON THERE. THAT'S AN ABSURD AMOUNT OF FOOD. ARE THEY CONSTANTLY STARVING IN FORKS?
sophie_lizzie: I just don't get it.
(Yeah, this one's black and white because the coloring was beyond saving, sry2say.)
Renee: Hey bb! Yes, I'm in a mechanic's garage, and no, I don't really have a reason why since my new hubbie's a freaking baseball player, and if the reason is explained in this scene sophie_lizzie missed it because she was just too damn busy laughing at the previous scenes, particularly Emoward. How was school?
Renee: OMG, WHAT WENT WRONG?
Bella: Nothing, except that I met some hot guy with absurdly huge eyebrows whose hostility towards me tears my fucking soul apart for reasons unknown.
Renee: You should date him.
Bella: Totally. Gotta go.
Tune in next time for the continuing adventures of Boring Bella Swan, Enigmatic Emoward Cullen and Everyone Else, in The Twilight Movie Picspam of Epicnessity: Part Twoooooo.
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